Pretty Patterns
by Daemon Queen Lilith
Summary: A look into the complex psyche that makes up Tsuzuki Asato. Dark, introspective, self mutilation with hints of yaoi


This is another dark Tsuzuki story. I just love his character and like to write about the darker part of his psyche. Once again I shall be referring to him as Asato because it's almost as if he has two personalities; the Tsuzuki that he shows to the world and the Asato that is his true self.

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The patterns that blood makes in water are really beautiful.

Almost makes Asato grateful of his regenerative abilities, so that he can always create these patterns without worrying about passing out. Almost.

He used to not care about when or where he cut himself; he actually used to carry a razor blade (a really old fashion one that he had bought with his first pay check) on his person at all times. It was wonderful: the instantaneous release that it provided was unlike anything in any world. Far better than sex could ever be, and Asato was far from being a virgin in any sense. But that was in a time before Hisoka.

That's how Asato divided his life (and after life): Before Hisoka and After Hisoka.

Before Hisoka he had been able to get away with a lot more shit, the cutting was a prime example. Konoe knew, but that was only because he was the only one who actually knew all of Asato's history. Well him and the Count. The Count knew and understood, to a point, what he really is. Asato and the Count were not all that different, but he wasn't about to start thinking about just how similar they are. That would not be good.

He knew that only Tatsumi had ever gotten a glimpse of what lay beneath the surface, but that's all it was. A glimpse.

A glimpse was all it took to make Tatsumi, a man who was in love with him, abandon Asato.

He knew the others had no clue of the darkness within him; otherwise Kyoto would have come as no surprise. They would have been expecting it a lot sooner actually.

Back then he could go into the bathroom at work and cut himself, as long as he didn't do it too much. Terazuma had a ridiculously good sense of smell; it was kind of infuriating to have him sniffing around (literally).

Back then he would go out drinking almost every night and end up either in an alley or in some strangers bed. Male or female, didn't really matter much to Asato since he couldn't remember fucking them anyway. Not like there was any disease that could kill him.

Back then he takes a bath and cuts himself till he was drowning in his own blood.

Now it's different. Hisoka _knows_. All the boy needs to do is look at Asato in a certain way and Asato feels like all of his secrets are exposed. Like he is lying naked before that cold jade gaze. Hisoka is the only one who can make Asato feel ashamed. Anyone could make him feel guilty; there was truly no challenge there. But only Hisoka could make him feel ashamed. The only other person who ever had that power over him was Ruka. And the two of them only had one thing in common:

They were the only people he ever truly loved.

His love destroyed Ruka just as it will surely destroy Hisoka. He can help but destroy everything he touches. The really why he doesn't fend off Muraki's advances like he should, like Hisoka _wants_ him too. He hoping that at least if he's going to destroy everything he will take down Muraki as well. He just hopes it happens before Hisoka is consumed by his darkness. Let the boy have a little bit of justice, he deserves it. He deserves it in a way that he never deserved Muraki, or falling in love with a creature that makes Muraki look like a Saint in comparison.

Asato loves Hisoka so much that he wants to protect him, shove him away so that he is not tarnished by the demon that dwells with Asato. He's so perfect that it hurts just to look at him.

He loves him so much that he wants to destroy him, drag him down into this never-ending abyss of despair, just so that they are together. Defile him so that he's no longer perfect, no longer so far away.

Asato cannot do either to him. Hisoka will not allow him to push the boy away, to keep him at a distance as he has the rest of his friends and co-workers. And he will summon Touda again, and make sure that this time he truly dies, before he purposefully hurts Hisoka.

And so Asato cut himself in his bathroom and watches the blood swirl within the water.

They really are beautiful patterns.

FIN

A/N

I know this is a bit purposeless and chaotic and it's that way for a reason. I am drawing upon my own experience with depression for this fic.


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